Perfection Anyone??

This is a 3 part blog, composed on different days.  

 

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Part 1

 

I wrote part 2 exactly one week ago today when we got home from soccer.  I sat and wrote what I felt.  It was therapeutic and heart breaking.  It has taken me one solid week to decide that I would post this.  I wasn't sure I was ready to open myself up for judgement, cause its not pretty what I was feeling and thinking.  If you have never truly thought one bad thing about your kid then, well, that is awesome.  I have. 

 

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Part 2

 

The following is a section from a book I am reading called "Asperger's Syndrome - A Guide to Helping Your Child Thrive at Home and at School" 

 

----Clarification of Expectations

 

"Expectations should foster success.  They should be just challenging enough to foster motivation within a child, but not so overwhelming that the child gives up without even attempting the task.  The trick is to determine the fine line of motivating versus overwhelming; this is determined through the PERCEPTION OF THE CHILD, NOT YOUR OWN.  Just because you think your child [should be able to play soccer like every other child] doesn't mean he will be able to.  The objective is success while increasing self-esteem and self-confidence."----

 

This will be my struggle.  To set expectations according to my child.  See, I am a perfectionist and I project that feeling on everyone around me...spouse, friends, family, kids.  I expect people to live up to an impossibly high standard.  I know that I'm not perfect, but I feel like I, and everyone, should at least try to be.  I feel like if I can stop feeling like this, like REALLY TRULY stop this expectation I will win a major battle.  If I could just be okay with what is, instead of the way I think things should be...boy, what an amazing weight off my shoulders.  I think that would be...peaceful?? 

 

I've done pretty well the last few weeks with many of Owen's idiosyncrasies.  I ignore his "mouth squishes" (he swishes spit back and forth in his mouth..known as a tick in asperger kids), I gently remind him not to talk so loud, when he "runs" which is actually skipping I think that its cute, I tell people he is just lovable when he is constantly hugging other kids, I stood quietly by and watched as he rode an escalator at the mall for one straight hour, and listened for the 300th time as he told me about volcanoes. 

 

And then we got to soccer this morning (yes we tried again) and something was wrong.  With me.  With my expectations.  

 

I could not for the life of me think one positive thought.  I was mad at the world.  I was mad that my child was just running, I'm sorry skipping, on the field.  I was mad that he kept hugging people.  I was mad that he was swishing spit in his mouth.  I was mad that he kept talking so loud.  You like volcanoes son?  Well good thing cause I'm about to erupt.  I started yelling at him from the side lines, to STOP SKIPPING, STOP HUGGING, AT LEAST TRY TO KICK THE BALL.  Way to build his self-esteem. 

 

I was mad that he was my son.  I want my child to be the perfect son, the perfect student, the perfect soccer player.   

 

Thank you, for letting me be honest.  Because as I wrote that it solidified something I have thought a million times before but have never put into words.  And putting it into words makes me want to vomit. 

 

I cannot say I'll never feel like that again, but it drives home that I really must reset my expectations.  My prayer is that my child is perfect, in my eyes.  Meaning that no matter what he does...he is perfect, because he is mine.  My gorgeous, VIBRANT, volcano loving son. 

 

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Part 3

 

I just watched Parenthood last night and was a bawling mess at the end, when Max made his speech.  When he said "I’m glad I have it because it’s my greatest strength.” and talked about his laser beam focus - O.M.G.  I'm usually too cynical for lines like that but it hit a nerve.  Could it be possible that having Aspergers is an asset?  Am I looking at this all wrong?  I actually started thinking about this last week when I mentioned to my friend Carrie* that Owen was obsessed with Volcanoes.  I was not saying it in a complimentary manner.  She replied "what an awesome thing to be interested in!!".  I hadn't looked at it that way.  It is kind of a cool thing to be interested in. 

 

*I will talk about my friends in this blog but will protect the identity of the innocent.  Plus, its kind of fun to make up names for people.  This particular person reminds me of Carrie on Sex in the City so there you have it.  Actually she is kind of a cross between Carrie and Martha Stewart if you can picture that.  So maybe Cartha is a better name?  No?  Lets stick with Carrie.