Perfection Anyone??

This is a 3 part blog, composed on different days.  

 

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Part 1

 

I wrote part 2 exactly one week ago today when we got home from soccer.  I sat and wrote what I felt.  It was therapeutic and heart breaking.  It has taken me one solid week to decide that I would post this.  I wasn't sure I was ready to open myself up for judgement, cause its not pretty what I was feeling and thinking.  If you have never truly thought one bad thing about your kid then, well, that is awesome.  I have. 

 

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Part 2

 

The following is a section from a book I am reading called "Asperger's Syndrome - A Guide to Helping Your Child Thrive at Home and at School" 

 

----Clarification of Expectations

 

"Expectations should foster success.  They should be just challenging enough to foster motivation within a child, but not so overwhelming that the child gives up without even attempting the task.  The trick is to determine the fine line of motivating versus overwhelming; this is determined through the PERCEPTION OF THE CHILD, NOT YOUR OWN.  Just because you think your child [should be able to play soccer like every other child] doesn't mean he will be able to.  The objective is success while increasing self-esteem and self-confidence."----

 

This will be my struggle.  To set expectations according to my child.  See, I am a perfectionist and I project that feeling on everyone around me...spouse, friends, family, kids.  I expect people to live up to an impossibly high standard.  I know that I'm not perfect, but I feel like I, and everyone, should at least try to be.  I feel like if I can stop feeling like this, like REALLY TRULY stop this expectation I will win a major battle.  If I could just be okay with what is, instead of the way I think things should be...boy, what an amazing weight off my shoulders.  I think that would be...peaceful?? 

 

I've done pretty well the last few weeks with many of Owen's idiosyncrasies.  I ignore his "mouth squishes" (he swishes spit back and forth in his mouth..known as a tick in asperger kids), I gently remind him not to talk so loud, when he "runs" which is actually skipping I think that its cute, I tell people he is just lovable when he is constantly hugging other kids, I stood quietly by and watched as he rode an escalator at the mall for one straight hour, and listened for the 300th time as he told me about volcanoes. 

 

And then we got to soccer this morning (yes we tried again) and something was wrong.  With me.  With my expectations.  

 

I could not for the life of me think one positive thought.  I was mad at the world.  I was mad that my child was just running, I'm sorry skipping, on the field.  I was mad that he kept hugging people.  I was mad that he was swishing spit in his mouth.  I was mad that he kept talking so loud.  You like volcanoes son?  Well good thing cause I'm about to erupt.  I started yelling at him from the side lines, to STOP SKIPPING, STOP HUGGING, AT LEAST TRY TO KICK THE BALL.  Way to build his self-esteem. 

 

I was mad that he was my son.  I want my child to be the perfect son, the perfect student, the perfect soccer player.   

 

Thank you, for letting me be honest.  Because as I wrote that it solidified something I have thought a million times before but have never put into words.  And putting it into words makes me want to vomit. 

 

I cannot say I'll never feel like that again, but it drives home that I really must reset my expectations.  My prayer is that my child is perfect, in my eyes.  Meaning that no matter what he does...he is perfect, because he is mine.  My gorgeous, VIBRANT, volcano loving son. 

 

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Part 3

 

I just watched Parenthood last night and was a bawling mess at the end, when Max made his speech.  When he said "I’m glad I have it because it’s my greatest strength.” and talked about his laser beam focus - O.M.G.  I'm usually too cynical for lines like that but it hit a nerve.  Could it be possible that having Aspergers is an asset?  Am I looking at this all wrong?  I actually started thinking about this last week when I mentioned to my friend Carrie* that Owen was obsessed with Volcanoes.  I was not saying it in a complimentary manner.  She replied "what an awesome thing to be interested in!!".  I hadn't looked at it that way.  It is kind of a cool thing to be interested in. 

 

*I will talk about my friends in this blog but will protect the identity of the innocent.  Plus, its kind of fun to make up names for people.  This particular person reminds me of Carrie on Sex in the City so there you have it.  Actually she is kind of a cross between Carrie and Martha Stewart if you can picture that.  So maybe Cartha is a better name?  No?  Lets stick with Carrie. 

View From the Top

First off, I just want to say...I am overwhelmed by the support I have received in the past week.  I am actually really surprised by it all.  I have received numerous facebook messages and posts, texts, phone calls, bottles of wine (hell-to-the-ya) and LOVE from my friends.  I feel like a mom who is just working through a challenge.  I feel like every family has their own set of challenges to work through, so I honestly didn't expect this level of support when I started the blog.   

I just want to say though...thank you.   

So, this has been a good weekend.  Stellar in fact.  Okay, I did have one small slip when I yelled at the boys to "shut up" because they were both yelling and I couldn't get a word in edge wise.  Levi started crying and Owen told me he was going to call the police and put me in jail.  I'm working on not letting myself get so heated but I slipped.  Lost that battle. 

I took the boys to a small Oktoberfest celebration in our town.  I was a little worried as Owen does not do well with crowds or lines.  If there is too much going on around him he will go into sensory-overload-get-me-the-hell-out-of-here mode.  This was a small festival with hardly any lines.  We ended up on the Ferris Wheel five times, which is awesome for someone who is not afraid of heights...I'm not one of those people.  The boys kept laughing and tilting our seat while mom sat white kuncked praying for it to end.  I was able to snap a photo from our very cold and windy top view. 

The big bad N

Thursday night is homework night.  We hunker down and finish the weekly homework project to be turned in on Friday.  Well, I lost the homework sheet.  No, not my 6 year old kindergartner, me.  I would normally be really mad at myself about this because I don't misplace things.  I am Type A perfect organizer.  But, in my new world of choosing battles I made a conscience decision to not worry about it and just improvise and create a new homework sheet from scratch.  It was a simple paper that the kiddos were to collect and paste items starting with the letter 'N', so no big deal, right?

Owen would have none of it. 

He was l-i-v-i-d. 

He screamed and cried, and screamed some more, for an hour about his homework sheet.  I was very calm (inside I was dying) while explaining that I made a mistake and that life happens and that we would improvise and it would all be fine. 

And after I said that he stopped crying, gave me a big hug and said "I'm sorry for flipping out like a mad man mommy, lets do our homework together while we sing zippidy-do-da".

And then I woke up from my daydream and he was still screaming. 

Owen does not like change.  I'm not entirely sure if this is an asperger thing or if other kids are this over the top when something in their world is rocked.  I know that little brother Levi does not react so violently.  Its like Owen couldn't even hear me.  He was so worried that the teacher would be mad at him because it wasn't the class sheet (side note:  I emailed the teacher to explain and she was perfectly happy with the homemade version).  It took quite a while to get him to calm down and for us to finally finish the sheet.  I don't think the finished product is half bad!